how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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