There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
