I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
