good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
We need to rekindle our bromance
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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