Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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