does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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