Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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