Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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