Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
