i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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