We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
