Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
