Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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