He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
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I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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