my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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