Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
