so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
