I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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