I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
