You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
