I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
