he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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