My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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