I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
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the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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