You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
