wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
