Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
