Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
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We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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