On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
