I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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