i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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