The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
