I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
