I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
