Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
