I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
