I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
