sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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