I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
