How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
