and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
