maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I was not drunk enough for that final.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
