I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm too high and old for this...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
