Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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