I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
