When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
