Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
