I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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