well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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