You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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