I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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