I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
