Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
