I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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